I simply was not sure certain what I would say. I had no idea where this all would take me. I do not want to call it a journey, although that would be accurate, but perhaps a better word for it would be "hike" as it seems all uphill. I battle with my own body each and every day and because of that I am frustrated, tired, fatigued, angry, in tears, insecure, and to be honest I am fat.



So here I am. I am finally writing it all down. You know how my battle began. Now I want to share with you how I am waging this war. I refuse to just lie down and accept the life-sentence that has been given to me! I will however accept the "gift" of chronic illness which has been given to me. Recently, a friend of mine who also has chronic illness (Hoshimoto's Disease) shared something which has changed my perspective of the diseases which seem determined to bring me down. She said that after reading an article on another blog (oh how I wish she had remembered which one, and if she does I promise I will post it.) she was taught that chronic illness is a gift! And then she pointed out that if it were not for my Fibromyalgia and IC that I would not be able to stay home with my children, but would most likely be working full-time. I had not thought of it that way! I had just been telling her how grateful I was to be staying home with my children. That yes, I would most likely have to apply for disability. Yes, we were completely strapped for money due to all of the medical bills. Yet now I really know my children.


I know what makes them laugh, cry, worry, stress, who their friends are, what they play at recess. It is seriously the most fulfilled I have ever been as a mother. Not necessarily as a wife yet (working on that one), but definitely feeling as if I can serve and support my children in a way that I have not known before except in fleeting moments. That is a terrible way to have a relationship with these little ones. I have felt such a desire to be with my children in this way over the years. Spending real, quality time has always been something that I would hope for daily, but inevitably I would let them, and myself down. I was always SO busy, so displaced as there were an increasingly large number of demands placed upon my time and energy physically, emotionally and spiritually. Now, I often times can do nothing but sit on the couch and wait for my children to come home from school and tell me about their day. It is a real conversation, not something in passing...no more fleeting moments of intimacy with each of them. I actually try to muster up the strength to take them to school or pick them up, just so I have them all to myself! I did not have children to be a hit-and-miss-mother, and even though I still have to govern energies effectively, I believe that the score has a few more hits than misses these days.


So here I am. Grateful for my pain. Grateful for the days that I can barely move because those are the days that I get extra kisses and cuddling. I can grab a child, hold them and ask how their day was, and truly listen to each child's answer without the distractions of a full time job.


My Bishop told me months ago that my health challenges, my chronic pains were "given to me by the Lord." I had not idea what to make of that until now. He is so right! It is given to me by the Lord, it is a great gift given to me by the Lord.


And...
The Lord knowing me must understand that even though I am thoroughly enjoy these gifts, it does not mean I am going to quit fighting the good fight! It simply means that the Lord has reminded me why I fight! Today, I am grateful for my gift of chronic illness.


How has your chronic illness been a gift for you? Take a moment. Think about it...it took me months to understand, but it is there. I promise. It is there.